When it's time to say good-bye

I am grieving you can’t be the person I wanted you to be, that I wish you could be. I am sorry you can’t grow up, that you can’t see the world though eyes or the perspective of someone else. This has been a long time coming, and I’ve fought it for a very long time. I’ve waited for you to mature, act like an adult, and as I’ve bluntly put it, grow up. I can see now that it is impossible. I mean you are nearly middle aged now, and really if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s just not going to. I go over in my mind so many things you have said and done over the years, and honestly I’m disappointed in myself that it’s taken this long for me to let go. Others have told me you were who you were, and you weren’t going to change, and I just didn’t want to see it.

I go over in my mind the things you have said and done over the years. There have been the little things like when you claimed to have made your matron of honor dress for my wedding, even though we both know my mother and I did nearly all the work on it (thanks for letting me know I needed to do it just 4 days before the wedding BTW). Then there are the really bad things, like when you told me that it was “too boring” to spend time with your father who was dying of cancer. Or when you told me your tinnitus was harder to deal with than people who loose limbs, are dying of incurable cancer, and your father dying (though you couldn't be bothered to stick with the treatment that actually was working). I still clung to hope that you would eventually mature, could see the error of some of the things you had said and done. Even when you told me that it sucked that your mother in law had breast cancer, not because she would have to go through treatments, or could possibly die, but because you would no longer have a free baby sitter, I was appalled, but I told myself she doesn’t really mean that. But you did, you meant everything you said because you are incapable of seeing how another person might feel. It took until you belittled me over being upset over losing my baby. I tried to brush it off at first, but you wouldn’t let up. You had to keep insisting that not only must there be something wrong with me to have lost the baby, and that I wasn’t doing enough to have kept her, you insisted that I “get over it”,and “let it go” because after only a few weeks I was still grieving my loss. You even insisted that I help you find maternity clothes, asking me over and over to help you look and telling me what it was going to be like for you to be pregnant and telling me “not that you’d know”. Later you couldn’t even apologize for your words, and insisted that you meant them. Then you were told by others that what you did was wrong, and you lied. You said the exact opposite had happened. That you looked out for me, comforted me, and even told me I might want to do something else because you were going baby shopping. We both know what you really did, and what you really said. I guess you can live with it, but I can’t anymore. So I’m done.

I can’t keep forgiving you and keep any kind of respect for myself. I’ve begun to think of it like when I left my abusive ex. I kept waiting for him to get better. To be the person he claimed he was. But he couldn’t be that person. He could only be an abuser, he would only take from me, and could never give, could never love, even though he said he did. He simply wasn’t capable of loving anyone. You are like that in a way. You are not capable of really caring about other people enough to see what you have done or said. You can’t act like a mature adult, and see that other people have feelings. I feel sorry for you, and there is still a part of me that wants to keep forgiving you, but I just can’t anymore. I’ve reached my limit. So I have to let you go. You are just too toxic for me to keep subjecting myself to you. If I keep looking the other way, and stay your friend I wonder what that says about me? That I think that kind of behavior is ok? That I’ll accept anything? That I am ok with being a doormat? That I’m ok with how you think of and treat other people? I had to leave my abusive ex for my own sanity, and I see now that I have to let our friendship die for the same reasons. It’s funny in a way because you two hated each other so much, but I think that’s because you were so alike in some ways at least. Since you are family I’m sure I will sometimes see you, and I don’t have a problem being cordial around you, but I just can’t be your friend anymore. So I’ll grieve the loss of our friendship, the person who I have been friends with since we were literally babies, and be sad. Sad you can’t be the person I’d like you to be because I can’t change you, I can only change how I react to you.

Almost Forgot

I forgot to finish writing about last weeks menu so here is the quick update on that......

Dosas -DH loved these I thought they were good, but he totally loved them.
Potato Masala Filling - Good we both liked this.
Sambhar - Again we both liked this, but I think DH liked it more.
Mung Dal Na Poora - I've made this before and it's one of DH favorite things. I like them too. I made it slightly different this time (not as spicy threw in some leftover chives and not as much onion) and DH did say that last time they were better. Of course he always likes thing spicier than I do.
Beet Raita w/ Dill, Lime & Honey - We both agree this is yummy!
Veggie Flat breads w/ Goat Cheese - This is like an upscale, healthier version of pizza. What's not to like? Seriously definitely on the yum list.
Fresh Chinese Parsley & Mint Chutney - I've made this before and we both agree last time was better. This time it had a slightly bitter quality that wasn't great. Not sure if it was the yogurt I used or the cilantro that was a bit old, but last time was yummy and this time was kind of eh.
Paximadia Cookies - Basically like a Greek version of biscotti. Again, what's not to like? I did not make it anise flavored though as DH does not like black licorice. I made mine with hazelnut flavoring and a shot of amaretto.

No Worries

My Dr wasn''t concerned about the rash (it was gone by the next day), so I'm good. Ya!!! It would be just about impossible for a tick to have been on me long enough to transmit anything since I usually take 2 showers a day, and even if I did skip and took one a day it still wouldn't be long enough. So good no antibiotics.

So for this week we are eating.......
Aubergine, Lemon, and Caper Salad - Jewish (p.363) We had this tonight and it was good!
Curried Parsnip Soup - Practical Soups (p.11)
Yogurt and Spinach Soup - Practical Soups (p.17)
Potato Salad - Jewish (p. 154)
Sesame Noodles - Fresh current month (p. 18)
Goat Cheese and Chive Souffles - Fresh /current month (p.28)
Quinoa and Black Bean Salad - Fresh /current month (p.35)
Zucchini Rotini - Flat Belly magazine /current month (p.65)
Potato and Radish Salad - Ultimate Vegetarian Book (p.145)
Courgette and Asparagus Soup - You Are What You Eat (p.109)
Fig and Cranberry Oatmeal
Chocolate Almond Macaroons - Flat Belly magazine /current month (p.77)

We had the aubergine, lemon, and caper salad tonight and it was good! I had to tell DH not to eat it all so I would have some for lunch tomorrow. The courgette and asparagus soup we have had a few times as it's a good way to use up the tougher part of asparagus that you would normally throw away, or in my case compost. I didn't blend one bowl of it because DH likes his soup unblended and chunky. Oh, and even though I made the potato and radish salad last week I decided to make it again to use up some more of the radishes we have, and I really liked it even if DH didn't.

Rash?

Crap. I have a sort of bulls eye rash. I had a rash a few days ago in the same spot, and now I'm getting a little more concerned. I emailed a picture of the current rash to my doctor, and I'm really hoping it's not Lyme disease. I do NOT want to be on antibiotics for 3 freaking weeks! CRAP. I'll give the doctors office a call tomorrow, to make sure they got the email. DH wants me to go on antibiotics now, but I'd rather wait if I can. If it turns out I do have it I'm going to have to wait another month before we start trying for a baby, which also sucks. And I am so not looking forward to the massive yeast infection I will get from being on antibiotics for so freaking long. I'm pissed.

BTW DH did not like the cold chickpea soup because of the cucumbers in it. =( Well, I thought it was fine, although I'd eat it more as a dip than a soup. It's pretty much like hummus with cucumbers. Ah well.

Not Over It Yet

Well, since I was still mad about DH's reaction I told him if he wanted to eat dinner he was going to help make it. So he picked through the spinach leaves washed them, and grated and sliced the cheeses. He said he liked the veggie stuffed portobello's a lot, but I'm not sure if he really did or if he was saying that because he knew I was still mad. He was going to go back for seconds though untill I reminded him we had more food so maybe he really did. We also had corn on the cob, figs with goat cheese and honey, and more of that really yummy salad.

Menu for August 9, 2009

So since I usually don't go on here I figured I might use it to keep track of my weekly menus as opposed to how I usually do it which is keep the paper that I write it on. OK, I'll probably still probably keep the stack of papers, but now I can also add notes about what I cook. So for this week.....
Dosas -India (p.173)
Potato Masala Filling - India (p.174)
Sambhar - India (p.178)
Mung Dal Na Poora - East (p.263)
Beet Raita w/ Dill, Lime & Honey - 3 Bowls (p.119)
Vegetable Bowls w/ Yogurt Lime Dressing - Better Homes and Gardens (p.190)
Chilled Cucumber Chickpea Soup - Better Homes and Gardens (p.195)
Veggie Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms - Better Homes and Gardens (p.201)
Veggie Flat breads w/ Goat Cheese - Better Homes and Gardens (p.202)
Fresh Chinese Parsley & Mint Chutney - East (p.364)
Mushroom & Swiss patty melt w/ Peas - Whole Deal- Aug/Sept (p.6)
Fig and Cranberry Oatmeal - Foodnetwork (Goodeats, Alton Brown)
Goat cheese Honey & Figs
Paximadia Cookies - Lunch Box (p.243)
Honey Bee No-Bakes - Lunch Box (p.241)

Since I can't get curry leaves here I'll be using plain curry powder and am considering buying a curry tree, for the future. I also can't get drumstick vegtables so I'll eather leave them out, or substitute asparagus. Since we don't eat meat for the turkey patties I used TVP and chickpeas and just mixed it all in so we could eat it wrap or taco like with some flat bread. I made the no-bakes with real honey, but about half what was recomended, and more than double the almond butter, and a big dollop of soy nut butter, and more coco powder than called for, and made half with a shot of agave syrup.

So Sunday we had leftovers and the figs ad honey, and we both liked it. It was tangy sweet and tasty!

I loved the no-bakes, DH was ok with them.
Last night we had the patty melts and veggie bowls. I liked both. DH only liked the veggie bowl, he hated the patty melts so much that he actually spit it out onto the table! Which quite frankly pissed me off. He has no problem saying "ewwww", "that's gross", "this is awful" (which, let me tell you, does wonders for the ego), but he's never actually spit it out onto the table! I pretty much wanted to smack him. I'm not sure it was the taste though as the only thing he did say was that he didn't like the texture, which really doesn't make sense as he's had TVP before and has been fine with it. I'm still pretty pissed over his spitting his food onto the table, and I really feel like I'm cooking for a very cranky, picky 4 year old sometimes. He rarely compliments what I make, unless I prompt him as to what he thinks about it. I know he usually likes what I make, and he's always asking me to make things to bring to his co-workers, but it would be nice to feel appreciated. That and when he doesn't like something I've asked him to say he doesn't care for it, not "Ewwww", althought that would be better than spitting it on the freaking table!

I made the oatmeal this morning and used dried cherries instead of cranberries by mistake , but I think my cut oatmeal is old and I need to replace it. I knew that I was putting in cherries, but I thought I was supposed to instead of looking and seeing it said cranberries not cherries.

I am so excited....... about a weed!

Dude! Seriously I am so excited! I was just looking online how to grow artichokes, since I bought a pack of seeds and have no clue how to do it, but was a little concerned when I noticed on the back it said 180-360 days until harvest. Whoa! How long????? I live in a cold place here, our growing season is so not long. Then I found out it's OK, they should be ready in about 100 days and I can totally start them inside. Cool! But as I was reading along I also happened on a site for Jerusalem artichokes. I totally love them, and they are a tad expensive, so I don't buy them often, not to mention the nearest grocery store I know of to buy them is about 2 hours away, and we only get to go there about once a month if we are lucky (DH has a once a month class/conference thing and I go along so I can go to the "big city" and go grocery shopping for all the stuff I can't get where we live). So anyway, I find out Jerusalem artichokes are super easy to grow. As in some consider them a weed, that is nearly impossible to kill. Are you kidding me? I'd love to be overrun with these things! I can even grow them in a big pot, so that means I could have them year round even, maybe. I am so excited about this!
I like gardening, but I grew up with my parents method of gardening, so my idea may be slightly different from the average gardeners. See we planted seeds, and plants, and all that, and we were really good about weeding, at first. But then around the middle/end of the summer, it was like why bother, just step on/over the weeds pick what you want and don't worry about the weeds. Now my dad does try, his newest way of dealing with weeds, and this does work fairly well, is to mulch with all his grass clippings. So anyway how cool is this to find a plant that you can pretty much ignore and you are still going to have a ton of crop!
On a similar note, I am so freaking sick of winter I have decided to grow, just about anything I can in a container. I of course have the usual herbs, but I am now trying salad greens, soybeans, beets, strawberries, peppers, kohlrabi, potatoes, kale, broccoli rabe, avacado trees, radishes, carrots, turnips, pretty much anything I can get to grow. Ha! Take that winter! I will see green things growing! Yes I do know it is technically the first day of spring, but if you look outside my windows you are going to see plenty of snow still. It is finally melting, and I can see grass where our septic tank is, but there is still a bunch of snow out there and honestly, the grass that I do see isn't exactly green and growing. So at least I can have my bit of life inside the house.